


Behind closed eyes

by Anonymous



Series: The things we are. [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Genre: .. For now, A redemption AU sort of, All Aboard, But Han is not dead, Hate, I'm sorry about this if anyone reads it, Kylo is just a damaged baby, M/M, Post TFA, Snoke is a giant dick, Things have changed, actually it's a weird force thing that happens, because boy does Harrison Ford age well, because its kinda fucked up, its hard writing tags, shit happens, so I'll stop here, this is my one way ticket to hell, zero romance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-05-09 15:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 14,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5545196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren is scared for the first time in his life and when Kylo Ren is scared he isn't even Kylo Ren, he's just Ben.</p><p>(This is the first part in an unrelated series which will be centered mostly on Kylo)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Things We Feel.

It had been Five days.  
Three days since he had gone up against that girl.  
Three days since his father, no- Han Solo had tried to get him to come home.  
And three days since he almost did. 

The first day, he didn't know where he was, momentarily in a haze, and thought it could be a dream but Kylo Ren did not have dreams, only the nightmare that he called his life, constantly be torn between two sides.  
And everyday with every different thought another side was tugged on.

He just wanted it all to stop, he wanted to run to his father, he wanted to pushed him off the walkway, wanted to run his light saber through his own abdomen until he couldn't feel anything besides the numbness that is followed by death. 

 

On the Second day, Kylo Ren woke up startled, grabbing his light saber and plunging it into thin air, where a figure stood in his dream moments before.  
Deciding that there indeed was no man or creature trying to sneak up on him. He hugged his knees to his chest, back against a tree.  
He didn't sleep that night, until he did. 

It was dark, the icy wind felt like knives and when he looked up at the night sky, he didn't see any stars all he saw was the one who trained him, who trusted him. His master had come to him in his dream, it felt as though he was right there.  
He let out a sigh of relief. "Master, I-"  
"Silence!" Snoke thundered, promptly freezing Kylo in his place.  
"You have failed me."  
Kylo looked up with wide eyes. No. No, he didn't fail. He didn't, he couldn't have. "No, I haven't- "  
"You have." Snoke looked down at him, disgust in his eyes.  
"You hesitated, the light in you is too bright. I saw it, I saw you. You are weak and pathetic.. " 

Kylo shook his head. No, he was neither. He was strong, he knew he was.  
He felt his own anger rising, how dare he?  
He had trained him himself, how could he say this? 

"You will never be as powerful as those before you.. You are a waste of time, and keeping you around would make you a waste of space as well.. " 

Betrayal and hate could be sensed miles away.  
"But I am merciful and you may have one good use for us."  
The look that crossed Snokes face sent shivers down his spine and he wanted to wake up, needed to wake up before they found him. 

His eyes snapped open, and He knew was too late.  
He woke up and this time, he knew exactly where he was.  
He was caught, captured by his own people because he wasn't fast enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't enough.  
Kylo did know really know where he was but he understood what would happen to him.  
And he was alright with it, dying, because he didn't have anything to live for because he didn't even know who he really was. Was he Even Kylo Ren anymore?  
And the metal collar and cuffs biting into his neck and wrists were stopping him from doing anything, he felt like he was paralyzed, the movements of his hands were slow as he reached for a light saber that wasn't there, even his thoughts were dimming and he felt like all his senses were dulling. 

He heard a whoosh and saw that someone had entered his cell.  
A wicked smile on General Hux's face instead of his usual sneer was alarming despite Kylo's attempt to hide what he was feeling.  
"Look at you." He said, dragging his hand along Kylo bare side, from where they had stripped him, leaving him only with a pair of undergarments as if to humiliate him further. Kylo tried to move away from his touch but found himself staying still.  
"So helpless." He said, face twitching into something darker before he shook his head as if in a trance, "You're probably wondering what this does, " He pressed two fingers between the collar and his skin before continuing. "It's to control you, to keep you from using 'The Force' so recklessly, not that you'll be needing it now, will you?"

Hux tilted Kylo's chin up to look at him, running his thumb along his pink bottom lip.  
Kylo wanted to do something, to choke him for even laying a hand on his body but without the force he was useless.  
He tried to move his teeth, to bite at his nail until he tasted to other's blood but as he snapped his jaw weakly the only result he got was a stinging pain in his face as Hux backhanded him.  
"Know your place! You were nothing before and you are nothing now, and it's time you know that The only thing you are now is a whore." 

What? This wasn't supposed to happen? A whore? No, they were supposed to kill him, why aren't they killing him?! 

His thoughts were muted and loud at the same time, he felt light headed and he couldn't think of a single thing to block out what was about to happen as he felt General Hux rip at his undergarments, tearing them to shreds as he was on his hands and knees fully naked now with Hux behind him, sheading his uniform trousers. 

"Nn.." He mumbled his protest and tried to crawl away.  
"Sorry, what was that?" The General mocked as he yanked back the chain attached to the collar, baring Kylo's neck, he fanned his hand out over the column of his pale throat, biting at his skin until he drew blood cause Kylo to hiss in pain and that only made the General Harder, his length pressing into the small of his back, he bit a few more times and Kylo was sure that they'd scar. 

Kylo felt Hux pull away and thought that for a moment that he'd left but when he felt the other man pull him up to kneel, he knew that this wasn't over yet, he tried to keep the panic out of his eyes and his face emotionless but he wasn't really sure how much of himself he was giving away as he heard more than saw, the General spit into his hands and rub it over his cock.  
"This won't be enough, so you better get to it."  
Kylo would never take an order from him at the base, he saw now no differently.  
Agitation flicker onto Hux's face as he looked down at the quiet defiance on his face before growling.  
"Very well." 

He pushed the ex- knight of Ren's back against the hard floor, catching him off guard, he lined himself up before pushing in, the tight heat engulfing him making himgroan out loud.  
The expression on Kylo's face was one General Hux could get used to, and he intended to. 

The pre cum that was dripping into him helped his cock slide in more, his thrusts were slow at first but progressively grew harder and faster, and as General Hux lifted a long smooth leg over his shoulder and gave a particularly hard movement of his hips, Kylo choked up as he was trying to let out some kind of distress noise as he felt a sting and something wet and sticky drip down his thigh, he wasn't sure wether it was come or blood or both because after the General had redressed, forced his tongue down Kylo's throat and left , he heard shouts and gun fire and he blacked out as soon as the door to his cell was opened again.


	2. The things we see.

Kylo was in a large room, larger than the one he used to have on the base and larger than the one he used to have as a child.   
It was a normal room, nothing too special or extraordinary about it.   
A room.   
And he was alone.   
Just him and the room.   
He sat there, crosslegged on the floor in the middle of it and waited, anticipating something that even after what seemed like hours didn't happen, but yet he didn't move from that spot.   
He remained still, like a statue. 

It was only when he moved, just a flicker of his eyes, had the room moved against him.   
The room had shrunk and shrunk and shrunk until it was only an couple Centimeters away from his face.   
It was closing in on him, trying to squish him like a stone being tossed on an insect, it was going to break his bones and suffocate him and just when he thought he's done for, the room will enlarge back to its normal size and to the spacious area that it was.

He decided he liked the large room better. 

That's what it's like to him, being torn between two sides.   
One, was painful and cold and had too many scars, and the other, felt like warm sunshine on his skin. 

 

The Dark side and the light.   
The dark side is where he felt he belonged, where he could be himself or at least who he thought he used to be.   
The light side is where he felt like an outsider but the thought of it now, coming home, it sounded fine to him, welcoming even. 

He felt like he belonged to the dark side because had Snoke, someone who he thought had believed in him, who would guide him not throw him away the minute a mistake would be made.   
"I am merciful." He had told him and Kylo didn't think Snoke knows what mercy is because if he did, he'd know that he would prefer death than to be used like an object. 

And had that blasted collar been off him, he would have taken his own life because by the.. Fourth? Fifth day? He couldn't even move, his eyes were glazed over and his Cheeks were flushed.   
His throat felt raw and used, his legs were weak as he was taken over and again each time harder than the next by The General. 

"They are looking for you, you know?"   
Hux started after he'd fucked Kylo over the table for the third time that day and was relishing in his post orgasm as he sat on the cot in his cell.   
".. Your family." He spat as if the mere thought of Kylo's family was too repulsing for him to bear. 

"The Resistance managed to find us although most of them are dead now." He lied.   
The Resistance had tracked them, 'through the force' Snoke had told them, it was Kylo Ren's distressed signal after he had woken up was strong enough for his mother to feel and locate him. 

"But that won't happen again, will it?" Hux traced His jaw, bruised from too much defiance, the deep purples were a lovely contrast again his milky skin.

Kylo tried to close his eyes, to pretend that he wasn't really here, that maybe he was still asleep in a forest somewhere or that he was just dreaming too long back on the base, he pretended not to feel the slap that stung his cheek and the shout of answering the General, or the crawl of come dripping down the inside of his thigh or how he was pulled on to his scabbed and bloody knees or how the cock was forced into his mouth and made his jaw too sore so he stopped trying to move and just sat back as Hux fucked his mouth until the taste of come sprayed against the back of his throat or how he nearly chokes on it and how he wishes that he would.   
But Kylo's imagination could only take him so far. 

 

So Kylo waits until he leaves and even after he exits the cell, he still checks the sliver under the door for heavy boots to walk away before he slowly pulls himself into a corner and tries his hardest to think with the collar on, suppressing his thoughts, about what the General had told him. 

His family were looking for him.   
They wanted him back.   
His mother.   
His father.   
They cared about him, he turned his back on the people who cared and still care about him and for who? For Snoke? His master was a traitor and a con and never even Cared about him, he just suduced him to the Dark side because he needed him not because he wanted him.   
But his family.   
His parents.   
They had wanted him.   
They still do.   
Hux had said most of them were dead, but he knew better. 

He thought about his family a lot that evening, and he knew in that moment he didn't want to be Kylo Ren, not anymore, he wanted to Ben Solo again. 

He fell asleep easily that night despite the physical pain because he was no longer torn between two sides, it was just one side.   
The light.   
The large room, it was nothing special but it was right and it was comfortable and even though he was chained and in a cell , he felt peaceful if only on the inside. 

 

 

When he woke the next day, it wasn't from a boot being kicked into his ribs or a heavy weight on his back, it was from the cell door opening before someone was talking but Ben's eyes were too unfocused to see who it was and his ears couldn't make out who the voice belonged to or what it was saying.


	3. The Things We Are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one day

Leia could still feel it now. 

Her son's pain, his hate but not towards her and not towards Han.   
The betrayal that he felt. 

But his pain, oh his pain, it had sent her doubling over and bracing herself on the control table as it hit her.   
She had never felt anything like this from someone she had such a close bond to, even as a child when he had fell and scraped his elbow and had cried for the rest of the evening in his mother's arms, it's not that he was weak, it was just that he was sensitive and when he had insisted that he was fine, his face was still wet.   
And even growing up, he had tantrums, yes but than again which teenager didn't ? And it didn't help that he and problems fitting in, because he was just shy but everyone around him misunderstood his silence for arrogance, thinking that he thought they were beneath him and in turn they didn't socialize with him either and after awhile, he had picked up a sense of self-importance.

But Leia knew her son, knew that he had a good heart and that he would never have the things that he did willingly, he was used and manipulated and his brain was molded to believe that The Dark side was what he wanted. 

And even when everyone around her thought her son a monster and a killer with nothing but darkness resides in him, and even sometimes Leia thinks that as well and yet every time he looks back on the memories of she and her son, all she felt was love. Like how she used to drag a comb through his unruly, raven hair or when she squeezed him into a tight hug when she sent him to train with Luke and didn't want to let him go.  
"You can come back whenever you want, sweetie, okay?"   
He nodded and she could feel his reluctance to pull away from her as well and when he turned towards his father, Han just gave a reassuring smile and pulled his son into a short hug, but she knew the affection that was exchanged between the two.

 

These were only some on the memories that reminded her that her was good, he just did some bad things and if he could take it back, she's sure that he would. 

So when she felt his agony, both mental and physical through the Force, it only took her a minute to make the call to find him, because even through the regretful person that he has become and things he was directed to do, he was still her son and after Han came back and told her that he had seen the desperate look in his eyes to join them, she knew he needed his her and Han and so she would do everything she could to find him from where ever he was and help him from any suffering any further and more importantly, she would save him.   
From himself. 

 

The relief she felt was breathtaking as she heard Rey's voice over the comms, letting her know they found him this time, having failed the time before to get him out.

"Then what is it?" Leia asked, anxiety creeping into her stomach at Rey's quiet tone.   
"It's jus- He's hurt, General." 

She let out a sigh, having assumed the worst. "How bad is it?" Han asked. 

"Bad." 

"Was anyone else there?" 

"A few storm troopers and their General."

"Any casualties, is your team alright ?" 

"Yes, we're fine. "

"Good. Report back."   
And with that she shut off the comms, Han pulled her close. 

 

 

 

 

When Ben woke up again and looked around him, he squinted, his eyes not adjusted to the yellow lights , having only been used to the darkness of his cell for what felt like months. 

The first thing he noticed because it was hard not to notice, was that he didn't have the collar or cuffs on, the sharpness of it as it grew tighter around his neck and wrists, cutting into his skin and the excruciating pressure in applied onto him was gone.   
It was gone.   
The pain was gone and all that was left was the soreness of it.   
The hurt in his head was no longer there and the piercing, dull sound ringing in his ears was now replaced by multiple voices and the smell around him was not the metallic smell of fresh and dried blood alike and sweat.   
It smelt very familiar and distant at the same time. 

And the second was, that he wasn't in his cell or the base or in a forest and definitely wasn't dreaming and around his cold, injured body was a warm blanket and he was laying on something that felt so much better than the cot or the floor did.   
His back and legs still ached as he tried to stand, hoping he could move without collapsing this time but a hand on his middle, steadied him in place, laying back on to pillow under his head.   
A gentle voice with slight fear and uncertainty told him to rest.   
And rest he did.   
He closed his sensitive eyes and dreamed.   
He dreamed. 

 

Rey and Finn exchanged glances.


	4. The Things We Need To Be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter  
> Yay

Rey might not be a genius but she was one-hundred percent sure that the man, who seemed more like a boy really, was not Kylo Ren.

She had fought Kylo Ren, had gone saber to saber with him and had seen the fury On his face and the look in his eyes that were so unsure, it nearly looked like fear and,   
Then she had helped carry him, this mess of a boy who and with just one look she had known what had happened to him, his unconscious form laying on the floor, blood and another fluid drying on his body so she wrapped him up in a thin blanket she found on the cot before Finn had got there, still blasting at the other troopers. 

 

"What happened to him?" Finn asked after Leia's son had woken up and having laid back down after she spoke to him in, what she hoped, was a soft tone. 

She almost didn't want to tell him, or General Organa or Han for that matter because he was their son after all, very reluctantly though, she explained to him and noticed the sympathy Finn felt for the other. 

 

Rey was sort of hoping when they'd get back to the Resistance that it would be late and that Leia and Han would both sleeping so that the doctors could explain the damage to them not her or Finn.

 

 

Ben felt like himself again, or who he used to be, he felt the strength in his legs returning, the slight pain in his skull was gone and his eyes easily adjusted to the light although this time they were white, actually everything was white, the walls were white and when he looked down to move his hand the sheets and cover were white as well. 

A split second time passed and he honestly thought that he had died and that this is where he ended up.   
But he didn't, he was very much alive and he felt everything, the Force surrounding him was refreshing and calm, and he felt the presence of one very familiar person inching towards him and when he heard the door open, he knew that it couldn't have been real because if it was- "Ben?"  
Mother.   
It was his mother.   
His mother, who cared for him and cares about him.   
She was there.  
She was right there, in front of him. 

 

He was speechless even as she carefully neared the bed, even as she looked into her son's eyes and watched as tears formed in them and started to stream down his bruised face as sobs wracked his body, until she wrapped her arms around him and he held on to her tightly as if he was afraid she slip away and she had felt the same way as his,   
"M-Mother.. " he said in a shaky voice and now it was her turn to cry. 

 

They both cried until They fell asleep on the bed and when Han had saw them, a piece of his heart that had gone missing long ago, so long that he forgot about he gap it left in him,   
had returned.


	5. The Things We've become.

Ben was drowning. 

He was drowning and he was burning.   
He felt his lungs fill with water and his body on fire. 

He couldn't breathe, the only thing he could see were trees ablaze under the night sky, he shut his eyes.   
And when he opened them back up, the cruel face of General Hux was staring back at him.   
He felt paralyzed again.   
But his mind was screaming at him to move, to get away from this man. 

And when his brain finally registered that he should flee and was trying to get to the door, Hux had grabbed his ankle, Ben fell only to hit his head against the floor and was dragged back. 

Ben reached for a light saber that wasn't there.   
He tried to push him off as the General straddled his waist but The other man took hold of his wrists and held them with one hand above his head and pried at Ben's dark robes with the other. 

"Stop! Get off of m-!" General Hux slid his hand down and groped the other man and took advantage of the gasp Ben let out by pressing their lips together, his intruding tongue explored his mouth. 

Ben tried to kick him off but just like he tried to reach his weapon, Hux and held his thigh and pushed his legs apart to fit himself between them.   
The General's hand was still cupping and stroking his groin as it hardened under his touch, and Ben hated that even his body had betrayed him, and pulled away from Ben's kiss-bruised lips to whisper.

"Look at you, you're already so hard for it, aren't you? Such a whore for me.. " 

Ben shook his head, No.   
No, he wasn't. He didn't want anything to do with him.   
He wanted to speak but no words had come out. 

Hux clawed at Ben's pants and undergarments until he was bare from the waist down.   
General Hux had stripped off his own trousers as well, freeing his erection. 

" ' Fucking Cockslut.. " 

He turned Ben over on to his knees with his ass in the air, he smudged the precum over the head of his cock to help lubricate it.   
Ben clenched the muscles in his ass as he felt the tip , as if to stop the violation but it only seemed to urge the General on. 

"So tight, want me to fuck you hard, don't you?" 

 

Ben unclenched his muscles to make the process as painless for himself as possible, his hole still stretched uncomfortably as he let out a pained noise. 

And when Hux was fully seated, Ben felt stinging inside of him and had known that he had torn and felt the little trickle of blood . 

" ' fuck you so hard.. Gonna fill you up with my seed." 

The tears that Ben shed were burning his eyes.   
No.   
Please.   
Stop. 

But with a loud groan and the General's incisors tearing through the delicate skin on the back of his neck as hot come spilled into him.   
His head was pulled up by A tight fist in his hair.   
"You are never going to leave.   
You are never going to get out.   
If you think that there is someone in this entire galaxy who who gives a damn about you, you are wrong.   
Because you are useless, you're nothing but a piece of ass to use whenever I please.   
No matter what you tell yourself, you are and always will be nothing but a damaged, scared little boy." 

 

Ben woke with a scream, drenched in sweat with the sheets twisted around him.   
"Ben! Ben, is everything alright?"  
His mother asked, panic visible in her brown eyes. 

He had been living with his parents for three weeks and four days.   
And when he wasn't suffering from night terrors, he felt fine.   
Better than fine, actually. 

He knew it would take time though for his parents to forgive him despite how much they insisted that they already have.   
So Ben did whatever he could to help them or bond with them and just to show them that he wasn't Kylo Ren but Ben Solo, he sat with his mother in her quarters and when through old memories together,   
He sat with his father in the Falcon as He and uncle Chewie dug around in the ship, occasionally looking up to see tha- Rey, her name was Rey, and gave her a small smile whenever she's give him one first and even tried to start a conversation with him.   
She was nice.   
And her friend, Finn who usually tagged along beside her and even though His nervousness could be felt, he did his best to hide it.   
But the other one, with tousled, dark hair and tan skin, ' the best pilot in the resistance' .   
His mother had told him when he had not looked away from the man. "His name's Poe, sweetie." She continued as Ben sat uselessly on a chair, resting his head on his hand, he had sat down at a table with Rey when Poe had come up to them, asking if they'd like to join Finn and himself at a party that the academy was throwing and Ben had mumbled quietly that he doesn't think that anyone would appreciate that but Rey was having none of it. 

 

Ben reminded himself to breathe.  
In and out.   
In and out.   
In and out. 

When he caught his breath, he answered.   
"I'm fine." 

She wiped away a strand of dark hair that stuck to his forehead.   
"I just need some air." 

She nodded. "I'm right down the hall, if you need anything else." 

He waited for her to leave before he pulled off the sheet, tying the robe around his waist and was greeted by the chilly evening. 

His mother was too kind to him.   
His father was too kind to him.  
His uncle was too kind to him.   
Rey was too kind to him.   
Finn and Poe tolerated him much more than they should. 

He didn't deserve it.   
Their kindness, any of it.   
He didn't deserve anything. 

 

"Ben?"


	6. The Things We Want.

"Ben ?" 

Ben turned around. 

"Rey." 

Rey was sat on the plush grass that he noticed she enjoyed to sit on.   
They didn't really have grass on Jakku.   
They didn't really have anything. 

"Trouble sleeping?"   
She asked, although by the look in her eye he could tell she already knew the answer.   
He looked away from her. 

"Come sit with me." 

Ben wordlessly moved beside her, hugging his knees to his chest. 

"You know. " 

She let out a sigh. "I do."   
She knew.   
She knew what happened to him. 

"Is that why you show me kindness?"   
He asked.   
"Do you pity me?" 

Rey turned to him, looking like he just grew a second head.   
"No." She sounded almost offended. 

Ben was never good with making friends, he mostly kept to himself.   
And everyone around him kept to themselves as well.   
But it was fine, he thought.   
Even though playing with building blocks as a child with uncle Chewie wasn't always a good idea, or having his mother pester him about if anyone had caught his eye or his father ask if anyone gave him trouble or his uncle Luke smiling at him.   
It was fine. He thought to himself again, because he had his family with him.   
What more could he or anyone else want? 

 

"Then why? " 

"I believe no one is beyond redemption, even if they don't believe it themselves." 

He didnt deserve redemption.   
He didn't deserve her kind and honest words.   
He didn't. 

"How did you find out? Did my mother tell you?" 

She shook her head.   
"I found you. Finn and I." 

"Did he se-?"   
"No. I covered you up, figured it was the least I could do after what happened. " 

"Even after what I did to you?"   
He tortured her.   
Hurt her. 

She looked at him, the corners of her lips curling up just a bit.   
"What you did to me or what Kylo Ren did to me? Because those two are very different people. "

And it's true, they are.   
Kylo Ren was a monster.   
A monster who didn't care about anything except what he thought was right. 

But Ben Solo wasn't a monster.   
Ben Solo just wanted to right his wrongs.  
He wanted to start over.   
To wash away all the Crimson stains until it was back to white and right now it a pale pink.   
But these things take time. 

"Thank you, Rey." 

He nodded. 

"You're welcome, Ben, what are friends for?" 

He smiled. 

She smiled back. 

 

 

"I am merciful." 

"Whore." 

"You hesitated." 

"No one gives a damn, "

"I saw you." 

"Scared, little boy." 

"Nothing but a piece of ass." 

"Useless." 

Stop. Stop. Stop.   
Stop.   
Stop it! Stop it! 

Ben's eyes shot open and he looked around the room.   
His room.   
At the Resistance.   
Away.   
Far away from the First Order.   
Far away from Snoke.  
Far away from Hux.   
He was safe.   
He was fine.   
He was home. 

And yet, their voices still lingered in his ear.   
Their unwanted touches still caressed his unwilling body.   
The scars they left in his mind as well as the ones they left on and in his body still stung and ached and hurt.   
He wished he could forget it, all of it.   
Forget Snoke's words and how Hux had ruthlessly took what Ben didn't want to give. 

 

Sometimes when he is with his mother or his father and his uncle or even with Rey, he forgets about them.   
Because these are the people who make him happy.   
And he needed happiness to get through this, happiness and forgiveness and smiles and maybe a bit of excitement. 

"Where are two you going?"   
His mother asked, a little surprised, leaning against the door frame to his room as Rey helped to adjust the gold belt around his waist. 

"Poe invited us to a celebration." Rey replied. 

"Poe?" Leia glanced briefly at her son, who quickly looked away from her upon the mention of his name.

"You don't mind, do you General?" She asked. 

"Not at all. Just don't come back too late."   
Leia smiled to herself as she walked away from the pair.


	7. The Things We Do.

"Honey?" 

Leia craned her neck best she could from her side of the bed to where Han was standing in the hall. "What is it?" 

"Where's Ben?" 

"He went out." 

"Went out where?"   
She couldn't blame him for wondering, Ben didn't really enjoy being out with other people. 

"He went to a party with Rey." 

"Since when does he go out?" 

She shot him a look. 

"What? It's not my fault the kid prefers to be away from everyone who isn't worthy."

"Han."

"He gets it from your side." 

"Don't even go there." 

 

 

 

Rey allowed Kylo to hold on to her forearm as they walked through the double doors, the noise of the partygoers reaching their ears. 

"It's alright. "   
She reassured him. 

"Okay." 

The lights were dim and the room was crowded with groups of people, laughing and dancing and looked like they were genuinely enjoying themselves. 

"Rey!" 

"Finn!"   
The Ex-storm trooper had a smile on his face and when he glanced at Ben, his smile didn't falter but from the way he was a bit too cheery, he doubted Finn was completely sober. 

"Hello."   
Ben greeted lamely. 

"Where's Poe?" 

"Oh, he's uhh.. Somewhere ." answering her.   
"You guys want something to drink?" He asked. 

"I'll come with you."   
Rey told Finn and then continued to Ben "Would you mind going to find us a place to sit?" 

"Of course not."

"We'll all be with you in a minute." 

 

Poe got through talking with an old classmate when he saw the back of Rey and Finn's head at the bar but couldn't find a third.   
Maybe he didn't wanna come.   
He wouldn't blame him. 

"Hey guys." 

"Hey."   
Rey was sipping on something a bright green while the bartender was shaking something behind them. 

"He stayed, then?" 

"Oh no, he's sitting over there." 

Poe looked behind him and saw Ben looking more than uncomfortable in the booth. 

"Go on, say hi." Rey pointed him in his direction.

 

Poe took the shot next to Finn's elbow.   
He ran his hand through his hair and smoothed down his shirt. 

He flashed his most charming smile, as he walked up to where Ben was sat. 

"Hey." He greeted and had decided that he liked the shade of pink the other turned when Poe asked him if he wanted to dance.


	8. The Things We Touch.

"Wanna' Dance?" 

The striking man, standing in front of Ben, had asked. 

Ben could practically hear all the blood that rushed to his face.  
No doubt reddening his cheeks in a way he always detested. 

He looked away from the other's gaze and his easy smile and muttered. 

"I'm not a very good dancer." 

Poe laughed. 

But not at him. 

"See anyone here who is?"  
And Ben looked around the room.  
Multicolored lights shined on bodies, moving to the beat of the music that blared, too intoxicated to have a rhythm. 

No, he supposed not. 

"C'mon."  
He enjoined. 

Ben slid out, the red leather cushion squeaking against the fabric he wore.  
And took Poe's outstretched hand. 

Poe lead him to the dance floor And Ben was just about ready to bolt.  
But a warm, large hand found it's way to Ben's waist, pinning him in place and pulling him closer.  
And Ben draped his wrists over the pilot's broad shoulders. 

They began to sway gently to the music. 

"Would you look at that, you're dancing." 

Poe said close to His ear, only because it was loud, he told himself but it still caused him to shiver.  
And had a feeling it wouldn't be the last time the man would cause him to feel that way. 

Because as the night went on.  
They had finished their dance and the two had joined Rey and Finn at the same booth and ordered other round of shots.  
Ben finally had that much needed drink.  
Especially being sat next to Poe. 

Rey kept shooting smiles at Them, Like she knew the secrets of the Galaxy but looked away when Finn mentioned that he would probably win over her in a drinking game, she scoffed.  
"Oh, please."  
She started, "I could beat you blindfolded, with both arms tied behind my back. "  
So that's how, Rey and Finn were giggling half way through their game, the blue liquid staining their clothes from underestimated distances.  
Much to the other pair's amusement. 

"I think I got it!"  
Ben heard Rey declare.

But was distracted by the laces on the back on his belt, being unraveled and put to the side.  
A hand gliding up his tunic, to trace along his stomach.  
Lips mouthing at Ben's jawbone and Ben's eyes fell shut. 

But as the lips drew lower, brushing against a sensitive spot on his skin, he opened his eyes and gasped for an entirely different reason because the sight of Poe who he expected to see was not who he saw.  
Instead he saw red hair, dangerous eyes and a wicked grin. 

No. 

He elbowed him in the chest and got out of the booth so fast, he nearly fell. 

"Ow! Wher- where are you going?" 

"I need to leave."  
Was he hurried answer.  
He bolted to the exit. 

 

When he got to his room, hoping that he hadn't woken up his parents, he took a few shaky breaths before he spewing where he stood.


	9. The Things That Touch Us.

Han had woken up early that morning.  
The sky still fused with dark hues.  
Figured he'd he'd get up and get some stuff done around the Falcon. 

He pressed a kiss to Leia's forehead.  
She needed all the rest she could get. 

And as he closed the door behind him, no less than two minutes later he heard Ben's room door shut. 

Deducing that his son had just gotten home, he thought it better not to tell Leia.  
He made a mental note that he would check on him later, he'd let him get some sleep for now. 

After munching on a breakfast bar, something in his gut was telling him he should check up on him.  
Now. 

 

So as quietly as he could, Han had opened the door.  
He predicted Ben would be in bed. 

Not on the floor, where Han could've sworn a rug used to be, scrubbing furiously at the tiles. 

He looked up, with large, watery eyes. 

It made Han's heart feel heavy. 

"What happened?" 

He used his sleeve to wipe up the snot that was threatening to drip off the tip of his nose. 

 

"I-I di- I'm so-"  
He stuttered. 

"Hey? Hey, it's alright."  
Han crouched down next to him, helping him up as they sat on the bed, his son clinging to him. 

"I- I s-saw him."  
Ben managed, tears now flowing freely down his face.

And Han didn't have to ask to know who he meant.

"He was there.. ' was touching me.  
Like before." 

 

Han felt his shirt dampening from his sobbing. 

"Ben, listen to me.  
He's gone.  
He ain't here.  
You're safe.  
Ya hear me? You're safe." 

He felt Ben nod weakly. 

 

I'm safe.  
He told himself even as his father repeated it to him. 

"You're safe."  
I'm safe.  
He's not here. 

"You're safe."  
I'm safe. 

"You're safe."  
Han told one last time. 

 

Now, not only did his heart break for his son, but he was also enraged.  
All.  
Over.  
Again. 

 

 

When Ben woke up, eyes red and puffy.  
He washed his face, and accidentally met the reflection he's been trying to avoid.  
He didn't linger too long on it though. 

Concluding that the feeling in his stomach was disgust, he took a bath and changed into something that didn't smell like sweat.  
And when he exited his room, he was welcomed by Rey, she pulled him in to an abnormally long hug, well it was abnormal for her at least. 

He could feel the guilt eminenting from her and when she pulled away he could see the culpability in her eyes. 

"I am so sorry.  
It was so foolish of me, I should've waited- "

"Rey, it was my choice.  
And most definitely not your fault." 

"Still, I could have done something." 

"No, you could not have.  
And anyway, I'm feeling much better now." 

"You are?" 

He nodded and felt her relax, if only a smidge. 

"Good. "

 

 

 

Ben was in the middle of a game of Dejarik with Chewbacca, Ben was obviously losing although it was nice whenever the Wookie would let him win and feign outrage, it reminded Ben of when he used to be a child but back then he truly thought he had won,  
What a simpler time that was. 

When his mother had walked in with a grin on her face.  
"Honey, I got a surprise for you."  
She told him, 

"What is it?" 

"More like, who is it?" 

'Huh?' 

And it was a surprise, 

"Uncle Lando!" 

Ben hastily got up to greet the man at the entrance,  
His uncle clasping him back with a chuckle. 

He heard his uncle Chewie growl something that his father responded with 'You're telling me.' 

 

Ben grin was almost identical to his mother's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter right after this


	10. The Things That Make The Bad Things Go Away.

Ben liked Family dinners. 

Back when he was younger, he used to always be sat between his uncles, in front of his mother and waited for what would happen every family dinner, and when it did happen, Ben was the first to jump out off his seat and come running with crumbs still on his face because he was late every time. 

 

"Uncle Luke!"!  
Ben would jump up and down excitedly until his uncle picked him up. 

"Hey, how's my little Jedi doing?"  
Luke used to call him, promising him that he would take his nephew with him one day, to train.

 

Ben wasn't an idiot.  
He didn't expect him to come this time, it was just that he was so used to it but  
That he didn't come isn't what upset Ben  
It was why he didn't come  
And that was sickening enough for him to put his spoon down. 

 

His mother picked up on his mood change,  
Her eyes questioning as the man to Ben's left finished his story, the table erupting in laughter. 

Rey looked on with awe, having not believed that Ben actually got to call him 'Uncle Lando.'  
And she wanted to hear all the stories of the things he got up to. 

 

 

They had been half way through dessert,  
Ben was scoping up custard with no real intention of eating it.  
The feeling still bubbling in the pit of his stomach. 

A guard spoke through the comms. 

"General Organa, I hate to interrupt but there is someone at the door." 

Ben went rigid in his seat. 

"Who is it?" She asked, the tense posture of her son visible to her. 

 

"A pilot." 

"Pilot?" Ben asked and locked eyes with Rey. 

"Excuse me."  
Rey wiped her face with a napkin and got up from her seat. 

"He's a friend."  
She informed Leia and disappeared through the door. 

The cleaning droid confirmed that everyone was finished with their last course. 

When Rey came back they all had gathered in the sitting room, where they all used to sit at when he was younger, it was where his uncle Luke used to tell him about the academy he was building.   
The easygoing atmosphere was back but when Rey told Ben that he was needed.  
Han asked, 

"Where are you going?" 

Ben got up from his position on the stool.  
"Uhh, I won't be long." 

Han frowned. 

 

When Ben got to the door, shutting it behind him,  
He saw a sheepish looking Poe. 

He tightened the loose hanging jacket around himself and opened his mouth to speak but was stopped by a hand being raised In front of him and Poe said with so much sincerity it was ridiculous. 

"Before you say anything, I just want you to know how sorry I am.  
I'm not like that.  
Like ever.  
I don't know what got into me. I was drunk.  
It was stupid of me.  
I'm sorry.  
I didn't mean to freak you out or hurt you  
Or make this weird. " 

 

Ben wanted to cry. 

 

Here stood a man with so many genuine words.  
Directed towards him.  
Him.  
Ben.  
Someone who only inflicted pain. 

He nodded, not trusting his voice.  
It's pitch always heightened and broke whenever he cried. 

"I really am sorry." 

Poe averted his eyes back to Ben's face.  
"Say something." 

He can't do this.  
Can't just stand there while he apologized.  
Ben should be the one to apologize, not him.  
He can't do this.  
He can't.

"I'm sorry."  
Ben's voice broke on the last word. 

The door opened for him and he almost bumped into Rey, her ear still pressed to the wall closest to him, trying to listen to their conversation, and ran to his room, which he thankfully didn't have to cross the sitting room to get to. 

 

"Wait, Ben! I have-"  
The door was about to shut in Poe's face had it not been for foot stopping it.  
And when he looked up he saw Ben's father. 

And when Han asked what it was, all he got was a gold belt which made him raise an eyebrow. 

 

Everyone had already gone to their rooms when Han turned around though, 

"Oh! "  
Leia said,  
"You found Ben's belt, where was it? I looked all over his room." 

Ben's belt? 

Ben's belt.  
The belt that belonged to Ben.  
Was with Dameron.  
Ben's belt was with Dameron.  
Who had invited Ben to that party. 

 

Dammit.


	11. The Things That Make The Bad Things Come Back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness! Gosh, I can't believe I already have 100+ kudos it's so wonderful knowing how many people enjoy reading this, thank you so so much!

"Father, if you're asking if Poe tried anything on me, then the answer is no." 

He can understand Han's concern, of course, but Poe, of all people?  
No, Poe Dameron was a good man.  
He would never do that to anyone, even someone like Ben. 

"I just had too much to drink that night.  
I was seeing things, it wasn't very smart of me and, I should've taken it easy." 

"Then how did he get ahold of this?"  
Han threw the gold belt next to where Ben was sat on the lounge chairs in his room. 

"My belt.. " 

"Yeah, gave it to me, after you left." 

"I just, um, must have taken it off there."  
Ben used to be a much better liar.  
He used to be better at almost everything, unlike now.  
Now he can't really see himself doing anything right. 

"You don't remember?" 

The younger of the two, shook his head. 

"Ben.. "  
Han said, warningly. 

"Alright, fine.. "  
Ben gave in.  
"We were just kissing, is all." 

"He took off your belt."

"It was nothing I didn't want." 

"You were wasted." 

"So was he." 

Han sighed.  
"Well, he had to have done something wrong for you to slam the door in his face!" 

 

"I- "  
Ben didn't want to fight with his father.  
He didn't want to fight with his father, especially after bonding with him.  
Especially after Ben was almost sure that Han had forgiven him. Almost. 

He shouldn't mess this up now, even though that's probably the only thing he is good at, terrific at, actually. 

"I'm sorry, if I worried you and Mother, It wasn't my intention.  
I just wasn't prepared to see him." 

And apparently that answer seemed to satisfy his Father, because he no longer lingered on the subject.  
He only nodded and wished his son a good night. 

Ben let out a sigh of relief as he laid back comfortably on the chair, and picked up the belt to his side.  
He picked and pulled at the laces and closed his eyes as he remembered Poe's hands on him. 

Remembered the mouth on his skin.  
He remembered someone else's mouth on his skin as well, but shook the thought away best he could and tried to focus on Poe's phantom touch and his kind words. 

 

Ben jumped up, startled at the loud sound he heard.  
He felt dizzy and his eyes were blurry.  
Something was wrong. 

He tried to move but found that he was tied to a bed.  
His bed.  
In his room.  
His legs were bent at the knees and his wrists and ankles were bound to each side of the mattress.  
He heard a cold laugh and turned to head to see Snoke in the corner of his eye. 

No. 

And an unmistakable shape of a man, no, a monster. 

And the more Ben struggled, the more dizzy he became. 

"Oh, how I've missed you."  
He told him.  
Gloved hands, dragging along scarred skin. 

"Get away from me!"  
He shouted. 

Hux just looked amused, like Ben was a small child trying to command an army. 

"Can't you do that yourself?  
The collar is gone, nothing is suppressing you from using the Force. " 

And Ben hadn't even noticed that it was gone, and so were the cuffs. 

The bed dipped as Hux bent down to eye level.  
"Is it because you are so weak?"  
He ripped through Ben's thin, sleeping wear with ease.  
"Or is it because you enjoy yourself too much?" 

Ben looked away.  
He was trembling now, completely horrified. 

This cannot be happening to him.  
Not again. 

This was a dream, he told himself.  
Just a dream. 

He did not know that he was voicing his thoughts.  
The man on top of him gave a sinister laugh.  
"Does this feel like a dream?" 

No, it didn't, Ben thought sullenly. 

 

Hux discarded his own clothing, diving back down. 

"Come on, get it nice and wet for me." 

Ben closed to eyes, neck turned as far away as his position would allow.

"Have you learned nothing from our previous encounters?" 

Ben let out a breath through his nose, and felt his lips stretch around the head of his cock, taking it.

Hux began to fuck his mouth, Balls slapping against his throat.  
He heard some curses from the man before he pulled out and crawled down his body.

Ben felt the familiar, uncomfortable burn as he was stretched, and forced open to accommodate him.

Stop.  
It hurts.  
Please. 

He opened his eyes to see a pleased, smug look on Hux's face.  
He wanted to throw up then and there, but he didn't.  
Ben wanted to do something, though, but just like last time and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that, he was helpless, although now he wasn't sure what his excuse was. 

"Missed you.. This tight body around me. "  
He gave a hard thrust. 

Please.

"You love this, don't you? Being someone's .. Being my bitch." 

No.  
No.  
This was a dream, he knew it was, so why did it hurt so bad? 

Hux leaned down, voice barely above a whisper in Ben's ear. 

"Because that's what you are.  
My bitch.  
Do you hear me?  
You're mine.  
No one else gets to touch you, except me.  
Is that understood?" 

He gave another harsh thrust, causing Ben to yelp. 

"I said, is that understood?" 

Ben nodded.  
"Y-yes."  
He said, voice small and broken and felt hot tears on his face along with another fluid inside of him. 

 

 

When Ben woke up, he didn't move from the chair in three days.

He hasn't left his room in four.


	12. The Things That Watch Over Us.

Ben sprang out of bed, having not remembered when he had actually moved from the chair, the sound of the door opening startled him.   
And only relaxed, falling back in bed when he felt his Mother's presence and heard the door shut again. 

He pulled the covers up around his body as she neared.   
"Ben, sweetie? Time to get up."   
Her soft voice spoke, reminding him of waking up early on his seventh birthday to enjoy a surprise visit from uncle Luke for breakfast, although his father used to joke that he'd just come around for the free food. 

"I don't wanna' "  
He mumbled, words muffled against the pillow he buried his face in. 

She sat next to him, letting a sigh escape, playing with his unwashed, dark hair. 

"Honey, I know you don't want to but it's for the best.   
It's not good to stay in here. " 

'It's dark in here.' She thought. 

"Come on, " She pulled the covers down, causing him to let out a whine and it was near childish had it not been endearing, he grabbed for the covers and pulled them back.

She moved to the drapes and parted them, the coldness of the room now replaced with the warmth of the sun. 

"Mother." He whined again, shutting his eyes tightly and pulled the pillow over his head to block it out. 

"You'll feel much better after a bath and a new change of clothes, trust me. " She continued, pretending not to hear him. 

And was about to exit his room but pulled the covers completely off of him now, tossing them to the floor.   
"Get up."   
She said before leaving. 

 

So after he washed his face, bathed and replaced his clothes, he left his room with the hint of a pout on his lips but it disappeared when he heard the droids setting the table for breakfast, and thought that he'd head to the guest rooms but found them empty. 

"Mother."   
He called out.

"What is it?"   
She asked, walking in, lilac dress fluttering behind her.

"Where's uncle Lando?" 

"He left." 

What?   
"When did he leave? He was just here yesterday."   
He didn't even say goodbye. 

Leia's lips formed a thin line.   
"That was four days ago." 

His brows knit together in confusion.  
"What?" 

"You've been in your room for four days, Honey.   
You refused to get some sleep, you were hallucinating so we gave you something to help and put you in bed. " 

Oh.   
"Oh." 

"But you feel much more rested now, don't you?" 

He nodded.  
He did feel better, physically at least.  
"I do, I just wish I could've said goodbye." 

"He'll be back.   
Now come, don't want to be late for breakfast." 

She looped their arms until they reached the table,   
Han and Chewbacca were sat at the far end with Finn next to the Wookie, leaving Ben between his Mother and Rey. 

 

"Good morning."  
He greeted, and was infected by his Mother's smile as one appeared on his own face.

A round of 'Morning's and 'Good morning's were said all at once.   
It made the first few minutes, significantly awkward.   
And wasn't until he took a seat and cut into his food, did the group fall into conversation. 

Rey asking if he was feeling up to going out today, 'not to a party' she wanted to add as Han's eyes darted her way but she thought she better not bring that up.   
Ben nodded.   
"Sure." 

She turned to ask Finn but was momentarily amused by the look on his face as Chewbacca would let out a growl directed towards him every now and again.   
And she knew that, yes, he would very much like to get out. 

Knowing that asking the smuggler was not a very good idea, her eyes turned to General Organa, waiting for a silent approval. 

 

When the droids were clearing the table and the pair had washed up, Ben asked, far away from his father.   
"Will Poe be coming with us?" 

"Well, I mean, Finn is his friend but no, not if you don't want him to." 

He wanted to huff.   
If Poe wants to come along then he should come along.   
He shouldn't stay on Ben's accord.   
But he knew she was just trying to be a good friend, but still not everything was up to him.   
Not everything should be up to him.

"He can come if he wants." 

She smiled, making him smile against his will. Again.  
"What?"   
He asked. 

She shook her head lightly.   
"Nothing.   
So I'll come by later then, yeah?" 

"Yeah, okay."   
He agreed, waving her off as she left with Finn by her side. 

 

 

Ben was deciding between the creamed colored jacket and the light brown one but opted for the latter, when Han walked in. 

"You look nice." 

He gave a small smile.   
"Thanks." 

"You're going with Rey, huh? " 

He nodded, turning back to the closet to hang up the other jacket and thought if he should brush his hair or not and decided against it but not before wondering just when exactly it was when he started to care about his appearance.   
"She should be here any minute." 

"So, it's just the two of you?" 

"No, Finn will be coming along as well.. " 

"Just you, Rey and Finn then? No one else?" 

Ben shrugged, purposely vague.   
"Maybe some of their other friends might tag along." 

"Some of their other friends, like Dameron?" 

He looked away. 

"He might, " He heard a sigh from his father and continued.   
"And w-If he does, you shouldn't worry because I'll be fine. " 

"Ben.." 

"We're just going out for a bit of fun, and Mother keeps telling me I need to get out more, anyway. "  
He felt Rey's presence close and waited until his father let out a sigh of defeat. 

"Fine, just stay out of trouble." 

 

He threw an affirmative answer over his shoulder as he left his room, taking Rey with him as they said their goodbyes to his mother and were met with a chilly breeze in the air and a familiar pair of eyes on him. 

 

It wasn't the cold air that made Ben shiver though.


	13. The Things That Show Us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it looks a little wonky, I'm trying out a new format

Rey would definitely count this night a success, true it hadn't ended yet but she just had a feeling that everything was going to be alright.

And it was.

 

Because her idea of going out was just that, going out, not necessarily to fancy places or big parties or huge get-togethers, no, she preferred something simple a picnic with some friends, under the stars was simple but a picnic with some friends, under the stars _with_  a light show ? Now that was grand, if only she knew what that meant..

She had just shoveled a small piece of meat with her cracker when the first one had gone off causing her and the ex-storm trooper to gasp and turned towards the noise.

"uh, what was that?" 

Finn asked. 

 

 

They eyed the sky suspiciously. 

Were they under attack?!

And they seriously thought of getting up and running. 

 

Until Poe laughed, sitting next to Finn on the sheet they were using. 

And Rey was surprised he had the ability to move his eyes away from a certain someone. 

 

Finn raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?" 

 

"It's the light show." 

Ben said, the first time really speaking that evening. 

"It's to celebrate a new year for the resistance." 

Poe explained. 

 

"Ooh!" 

Her and Finn said in unison. 

 

"It's lovely." 

She said, now looking excited. 

And when they had finished eating, she bounced up. 

 

"Let's go have a better look then, shall we?" 

She took Finn's hand and darted past the trees to get closer. 

Finn's legs nearly collapsed underneath him. 

 

Poe and Ben following closely behind. 

They found a soft spot of grass to sit on, Poe slouched against a tree stump and Ben sitting crosslegged next to him. 

 

Rey turned to face them for a second. 

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" 

 

Poe stared unabashedly at him, watching as the different hues of blue lights fading to green showered him. 

"Yeah," He agreed. 

"It is." 

 

Ben felt Poe's eyes on him, burning him. 

And felt his face heat up at his words, despite the weather and hoped that the lights and the hair in his face would prevent the other from seeing it. 

 

 

"I wish I could get closer." 

Rey sighed, although it was out of contentment. 

 

 

Poe wanted to reach out to him. 

"Me too. "

 

Ben turned to his right to face him. 

Light brown eyes that looked like caramel in the light meeting deep browns that held so much passion, it made Ben's breathe hitch. 

 

"You can." 

Ben said, so quiet he wasn't sure Poe had heard him. 

And when the other didn't moved, Ben looked away and feared that he made the wrong move. 

Great. He thought sarcastically. He blew it. 

 

But when Poe reached out, fingers tilting up Ben's chin so tender and softly, like he was a porcelain doll who was so delicate that it could break at any minute, and their eyes met once more. 

 

Poe searched Ben's eyes for any uncertainty or fear, and when he found none, he leaned in closer until their lips brushed teasingly and that alone was enough for Poe's eyes to shut.

But Ben was determined to close the gap between them so he fixed his sitting position, crawling closer but never breaking contact and tipped his head just a tad bit forward. 

 

And when he felt the rumble of a groan, he knew he had done something right, well that and the fact that it felt great.

It felt like electricity surging through him, not the kind that hurts and shocks but the kind that could get you high, and he did feel high on it. 

Felt high on him.

 

 

When they pulled away, their eyes were heavy lidded and pupils blown wide, Ben thought that maybe they were high on something. 

 

But when hands were pulled him into his lap, by the waist, Ben's hands went to the pilot's shoulders to steady himself. 

No, Ben thought with lust clouded happiness , This was definitely real. 

 

 

 

 

He smiled against Poe's lips. 

 


	14. [Not an upload]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very grateful and happy by how many people are enjoying this but a few things have been getting to me and just bringing me down and making me feel like shit so I'm not sure I'll be continuing this story, I might update every once in a while but I thought I'd give you guys a heads up incase I don't.

I'm sorry.


	15. The Things That Let Us Know We're Alive.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt really inspired to update

Rey was too distracted with the lights exploding colorfully in the sky, to feel Finn move closer to her, but not too distracted to hear the faint wet sounds from behind them. 

She turned to see her other two friends pressed against a tree, Ben sat snug in Poe's embrace as the pair exchanged kisses, they seemed to be in a world of their own, not even noticing when Rey poked Finn's shoulder to get him to look in the direction of where her finger was pointing.

Rey and Finn swapped looks before they decided that they should leave them be, so they turned back around.

Finn pretended to yawn the best he could.   
"It is getting late."   
His voice was no where near convinging but Poe and Ben didn't notice, they only broke apart from each other, hastily. 

"Oh!"   
Rey said feigning realization.   
"I forgot, we left our picnic. Finn, will you help me clean up?" 

"Sure thing." 

 

Poe didn't think twice about their odd behavior, the only thing on his mind was the man beside him, so when the other two were out of earshot, he leaned back in, to where Ben had landed when he scrambled out of Poe's lap, to capture his lips.

"Are you okay, I mean, with this?"  
He asked, the last thing he wanted was to hurt him or scare him off just because he couldn't keep it in his pants. 

 

"Yeah."   
Ben answered quickly, 'too quickly' Poe thought as he being brought forward, by the front of his shirt, into a demanding kiss. 

Poe, very reluctantly, pulled back.   
"Tell me the truth, I'm not pressuring you into anything. " 

The other nodded, opening his mouth but closed it a second later, his eyes casting downwards.   
He wanted it, maybe it was Poe who didn't want this and he just didn't want to admit it?   
Maybe this was Poe's way of saying, that he didn't want him, because he was already tainted.. 

Ben didn't like where his thoughts were heading and tried his best to shake them away.   
Poe was just making sure that Ben was one hundred percent sure of this. 

"I mean, we don't have to do it, or anything.   
We can do whatever you're comfortable with." 

Poe was so gentle and so forgiving and everything around him was so pure and the complete opposite of what Ben is. 

 

He lifted his eyes to meet Poe's unsure gaze. 

"I'm comfortable with whatever you want to do."   
Because I trust you, thought Ben. 

 

Poe's kiss-swollen lips formed a smiled and his eyes were no longer filled with uncertainty but with tenderness.  
Poe thought, I just want to take care of you.   
I don't want to rush this.   
I don't want to rush you. 

 

Poe tucked his shirt back into his pants and fixed his jacket, before offering the man on the ground his hand and Ben took it gratefully.   
When he was back on his feet, Poe's hand reached for Ben's. 

 

 

Poe would wait. 

 

"It is getting late, your parents will start to worry about you soon."


	16. The Things That Let Us Close Our Eyes.

"I know what I have to do." 

"Whore." 

"Yes, anything." 

Last Ben checked he was laying in his bed, he was warm and safe and happy, with a promise of spending the following day with Poe. 

"Ben?" 

"Wake up, sweetie."

"Me too." 

 

But his mind was swimming, like he was in the deepest ocean in the galaxy.  
With memories.  
With words and faces. 

 

"Will you help me?" 

His father's face was morphing into his mother's, Rey's, Finn's bloodstained helmet, Hux's, Poe's before settling into the disappointed look on Luke Skywalker's face.  
Beard greying around a frown and eyes that used to shine down at Ben were now dull.  
And Ben wanted to forget all the things he has done. 

 

His uncle opened his mouth to speak, but never said a word, neither of them did. 

He just wanted to forget everything. 

 

They just stood there, the only thing changing was their surroundings, the dark walk way now filtering in more light, the metal flooring was now more rocky. 

He wanted to forget how it felt there. 

And he heard footsteps, Ben turned see what the sound was but when he looked back, his uncle had his back to him and Ben was being pulled away, he was being dragged down.  
Away from his uncle.  
And the last thing he saw was his uncle's cloak before he woke up. 

 

 

 

"What's on your mind?"  
Poe asked, noticing that he was been quiet, well, quieter than usual.  
Ben had managed to get to meet up with Poe, without encountering his father, thankfully, and instead of going for a walk Ben suggested they go to his quarters. 

"I need to ask you a question."  
Ben said, body tensing beside where they both laid, on top of the covers, in Poe's room. 

"What is it?" 

 

"Why don't you hate me?"  
Ben knew what hate looked like, and how Poe was talking to him and treating him was far from hate, and if it was he was very good at concealing it. 

 

"I wanted to, for a while, I really wanted to.  
But you can't hate someone who isn't there anymore.  
I hated him, though, for everything he did, and for who he was, how he destroyed and hurt everyone and everything in his way."

For a minute Ben thought that he was referring to Hux but then he knew exactly who he meant. 

"But you? I don't hate you because you've done nothing wrong, you're not him anymore.  
He was back then." 

In the past.

"You are here now." 

In the present, 'With me.' Poe thought. 

 

"So that's it?"  
Ben asked, sitting up to look at him.

"What's it?" Poe moved up to rest on his elbows , he could make out a little bit of anger suppressed in the other's voice. 

 

"It's just that.. " 

The pilot mimicked his movement, and sat next to him, and in a soft tone he asked.  
"Just what?" 

 

"How can you forgive?  
I don't- I don't deserve it.  
Any of it-" 

 

"Ben." 

 

"Not from you or my parents or Rey or anyone for that matter! " 

 

"Ben." 

He looked up at Poe.  
"What?" 

 

"You're crushing the door." 

Huh? 

Ben looked at the opened wash room and the door that used to seal it was now crumbled in the door way. 

It had been the first time, since being back, that he had used the force, he was too weak to use it the first few days ,and perhaps he was too wrapped up in his own trauma to use it. 

And, now he'll admit that he might be a little unstable and it reminded him of all the times his anger had taken over, and all the things he has done accidental or otherwise because of it. 

 

"I uhh, I'm sorry. I'll go."  
Ben mumbled and get up to leave but was stopped by a hand on his forearm that was pulling him down.

"Where do you think you're going?  
You just think you can trash my room and leave?"  
Poe joked, in hopes of lighting up the mood, and when Ben's lips were no longer curling downward, he knew he was successful, kind of. 

 

"I-"  
Ben wanted to say that he should go, that he'll end up with more damaged furniture or an injury himself. 

"I can't stay." 

 

"C'mon, " Poe moved the hair from where it had fallen and leaned in, breath ghosting on his face. "You haven't even kissed me yet." 

 

It was hard to form words with someone like Poe so close to him but he managed, quietly.  
"What if I hurt you?" 

The only answer Ben got was a pair of lips pressing against his own, and he allowed the other to arrange their positions with Ben laying, once more, on his back and Poe hovering above him. 

When they parted, Poe looked at him, in an odd way, no one had ever given him this look. 

"You're beautiful." 

Ben didn't say anything, he knew that if he were to say that 'No, I'm not. ' that Poe would only deny it, when it clearly was the truth but allowed Poe to run his finger along the end of the scar on his face anyway.


	17. The Things That Let Us Believe.

The duvet covering Ben, was soft and unfamiliar,  
The heat emitting from the weight on his side, that he deduced was an arm, made him feel safe, especially knowing who it belonged to. 

 

Ben lazily, blinked open to reveal the handsome face of Poe Dameron.  
Staring back at him.  
A small smile on his face causing him to smile back.

He Must have drifted off for a little bit, given the sunlight on Poe's face, he hoped not for too long though, his parents would start to worry soon. 

"Why are looking at me like that?"  
Ben's voice was muffled, partially against a hard chest and a pillow, to avoid the other's gaze.

 

"Like what?"  
Poe asked, feigning innocence.  
As if he didn't know. 

 

"Like.. " 

'Like I'm important to you.'

 

Ben must have voiced his thoughts because the hard chest was moving away, and the the arm around him was turning him over. 

"You are important to me." 

Ben wanted to roll his eyes. 

He really didn't know why he was.  
It was ridiculous.  
He didn't des- 

Deep breaths, Ben. He told himself.  
Deep breaths. 

 

"You are, alright?" 

Ben nodded, just to end the subject but Poe still pressed. 

"I mean it-"  
Ben felt the other's emotions flood through him like a river. 

"And I don't want you to agree just to shut me up, I want you to know, to really know. " 

"I do."  
Ben interjected.  
He didn't want to talk about this anymore. 

"My parents will wonder where I am, need to go, it's late." 

"I'm pretty sure they already know where you are, and what do you mean it's late?" 

"It's almost night."  
Ben said slipping out of his grip and moving to look for his jacket. 

"Ben."

Caramel eyes snapped to him as he buttoned the collar of his jacket, the dark color of the fabric complimented his pale skin.  
"What?" 

 

"The sun just came up." 

 

Ben looked like he was going to object then his face changed to confusion to realization and then to horror. 

"They're going to kill me,"  
Ben pulled on one boot.  
"Actually, He's going to kill you."  
And then the other. 

"My father's going to kill you." 

 

"I thought your mom was busy with some outside business?" 

"She is."  
It was true, she was currently, dealing with some business outside of the base. 

"And isn't your dad busy today?"  
Han was working on some final spare parts. 

Ben raised an eyebrow.  
"What are you saying?" 

 

"I'm saying, How about you take all that back off and get back in bed, they won't notice anything suspicious about you being gone for a few more hours." 

"Hours?"  
Ben was already out of his boots and was pulling his arms out of the jacket sleeves. 

"What do you plan to do in these 'hours' ?" 

He crawled back on the bed, Poe bringing him closer. 

 

"Well, if it's alright with you, I plan to show you just how important you are."  
And it still sounded ridiculous, even through the chill it gave him.


	18. The Things That Make Us

Ben drew in quick breaths every time he felt those lips on him, kissing his scarred skin so gentle, it felt like the tips of a feather. 

"Have you done this before?"  
Poe had asked him before, as the pilot slipped off his shirt, revealing his muscular chest, abs toned and tan.  
Ben was almost too distracted to answer but he managed to shake his head. No. 

Poe nodded back before dipping down to capture Ben's mouth, running his tongue along his plush bottom lip.  
And Ben just melted like butter under his touch. 

He lifted his hips when he felt Poe tug to remove his trousers, his shirt having already been discarded, and let out a hiss as the air made contact with his sensitive member, biting his lip as he felt a hand wrap around it next. 

"I got you."  
Poe says in his ear, teeth catching on his earlobe, pumping slowly, causing Ben to cry out. 

 

Ben doesn't know if it's the way the callouses on Poe's hand move up and down his shaft or if it's the way he whispering, filthy and sweet things alike, into Ben's ear or how he can feel the hard bulge in Poe's pants against him, but what Ben does know is that if he keeps it up, he won't be able to last long. 

 

"I- I'm going to.. Please."  
Ben's not sure what he's asking for, he'd take anything that Poe is willing to give. 

The hand around him slips off, and then Poe is talking to him before he moves to rummage through the small table next to his bed to retrieve a small bottle of slick.  
"Alright, Baby.  
Just hold on, can you do that for me? " 

Ben nods, he can.  
He wants to.  
He wants to be good for him.  
For Poe. 

And then Poe pulling off his pants, his erection standing long and proud, it was enough to make Ben whimper where he laid as parted his legs so Poe could settle between them.

Ben steadied his breath as Poe slowly opened him up, but after the third finger loosened him, and light discomfort turned to pleasure, he was already a quaking mess, begging for Poe to enter him, to connect them.  
"Please, please, I need-" 

But Poe understood, and asked him again if he was sure, to which the other replied with an eager nod. 

Poe slid in slowly, inch by inch, as to not hurt him and the sight he was rewarded with was just a bonus. 

Ben's pale face was now flushed a light pink, his eyes screwed shut, lips red and swollen with his dark hair, that framed his face, fanned out behind him on a pillow.  
Poe's pillow. 

It was beautiful. 

And it only got better when he was fully seated and started to move. 

Ben let out little noises and moans that would drive anyone made with lust.  
'Uh's and 'Oh's would slip past his lips, each one louder than the previous, and he was sure that everyone outside his quarters could definitely hear them, but he couldn't bring himself to care.  
Not with Ben underneath him like this. 

But it wasn't until Poe had hit that spot inside of him, it had Ben seeing stars.  
"Oh oh- !" 

He pulled out only to thrust back in, hitting his prostate dead-on, Ben threw his head back against the pillow and shouted his name, spurts of come painting their chests, and not a second later Poe let out a groan and was emptying his load into the other and felt Ben clenching around him even through his orgasm. 

And when he was done, he went slack, falling next to him on the bed.  
He was one-hundred percent sure that he's never come harder. 

When he looked over at Ben he found the other man snoring lightly next to him, bringing a smile to Poe's face. 

He found the strength to wipe the remains from their chests, before he pulled the duvet over Ben and sent word to Rey, to inform Han not to worry about Ben, before he curled in close next to Ben and drifted off to sleep.


	19. The Things That Break Us.

Ben woke up. 

The first thing he noticed was that the bed he laid in wasn't his own.   
He looked around the small room, drapes were still shut despite the sunlight seeping in through the bottom of the fabric. 

There was another bed in the corner, much larger than the one he slept in with a mop of blond hair sticking out. 

Oh.   
Right. 

It all made sense to him now as the memories of the previous night came back to him. 

 

Ben remembered his mother telling him that he could come back whenever he'd like, he remembered the hug his father gave him followed by a growl from a certain wookie and he remembered a warm hand on his shoulder from his uncle telling him it was going to be alright. 

 

Ben loves his uncle but he doesnt want to train with him.   
He much rather be at home, smelling his mothers perfume as he embraced him and laughing at one of his fathers not-so-funny jokes. 

But it wouldn't make anyone happy if he were to go home, besides himself and his mother always put everyone before herself so Ben should do the same. 

 

It was noon when he started to remember things about his dream. 

There were bad things from the dream, parts that he didn't tell his uncle about, like the pain he feels across his face and in his back and around his neck and loneliness. 

Then there were good parts, parts that he told his uncle about (and he had smiled down at Ben and told him it would all make sense in time) Like the warm brown eyes that sparkled and the presence of someone he knows and friendship and something else he can't understand yet. 

 

 

After three months in training, Ben was surprised by his mothers arrival and he didn't know why he should feel shocked that his father had come as well. (because his father was always there for him because if he was to leave, it hasn't happened yet)   
He told them (only after his uncle had left the room because he didn't want to hurt his feelings) that he preferred it back at home and the only thing that he enjoyed was his uncle's company (oh, and the Padawan braid). 

He told them about his dream (because it's not normal to have the same dream every night for three months, right?) even the new bad parts he found out weeks ago, about a grey scarred face that scared him and a voice that he shouldn't listen to (because it's not right, he just knows that it isn't.) They shared looks they thought Ben wouldn't see and had a long conversation after telling to go play with the other Padawns with a fake smile on their face. 

 

 

Ben didn't know why they brought him back home (it felt right to be back) he wasn't complaining, he was just a little surprised ( he doesn't know why, because they only want what was best for him.)   
Because he hadn't even finished his training.   
("If there is even the slightest chance that could happen to him, Luke, he's not staying another second!" Ben had heard his father say, rather harshly the day before he came home.) 

 

The voice of the scarred man stopped after that.


	20. The Hand That Steadies Us

Ben remembers celebrating his fourteenth birthday.  
He remembers the dinner and desserts that he ate.  
He remembers the gifts and attention he received. 

He also remembers overhearing his parents not-so-subtle conversation about their (his) family, while the holo (it was one of Ben's favourite as a child, about an Ewok space adventurer) played.  
Ben didn't say anything to them when they came back out to join the rest of them, he didn't even look their way, he just snuggled closer to his uncle Lando while his little cousin, Rey, snuggled closer to him.

 

Ben actually forgot his parents' conversation (no use holding on to something you'll never know or never need to know because if he did need to know, he'd know by now. Right?)

 

And the most exciting thing about turning fifteen was that, that was the year he met them. (It definitely was not the hormones.) 

He met them in D'Qar (they'd moved there right after he got pulled out of his uncle's academy). 

Because moving to a new home was hard enough, but moving to a new planet was something else entirely, not only did he feel like a stranger (his parents fit in perfectly, or his mother at least, his father picked a fight with almost anyone) but it was also terribly lonely there, (besides when everyone would visit, of course.) there was no one his age there and everyone who ever talked to him only did it to get on his mother's good side. 

His mother was engaged in a conversation with one of her new friends who had just moved here (Kas? Kes?) he couldn't remember his name, but she had talked about him and his family over dinner a few nights ago, but Ben was only half listening, and he honestly wished that he had because maybe then she could have warned him about Kes' (He's 87% sure it's Kes.) son, who was way too handsome to be real and who's eyes gave Ben goose bumps. 

His name was Poe. 

He found out a week later that  
1)Poe's favorite color was orange, 

2)he wanted to be a pilot, 

3)Ben loved his smile and that they wanted to be friends for the rest of their lives. 

 

Han liked Kes, because just like him (like what Poe wanted to be) he was pilot, he didn't talk about his wife very much (Poe didn't talk about his mom very much, either and, Ben knew when not to push), so it wasn't a problem to spend time with Poe, and they took advantage of that, they had sleep overs at each other's places almost every night and hang out through out the day.  
It sounds sickening but Ben felt like he could talk to Poe for hours and definitely not get sick of him, ever ( he was also sure that Poe felt the same way.) 

About five months later they were one hundred percent sure that they wanted to be friends for the rest of their lives, just the two of them, even if things got in the way (Poe was enrolled in the-academy-for-piloting or whatever it's name was, Ben was too busy staring at Poe's lips when he had said it, which he was scheduled to attend in two weeks, which was fine. Really.) 

And then things got lonely again, obviously he could see Poe when he was on break but he knew how needy he could sound at times and he knew how much Poe wanted this. 

Things got very lonely, his father had taken for jobs off planet, his mother was too busy being a general now, Rey was way too busy with her training (he knew that she wasn't lonely though, she had told him about a padawan named Finn who she very much liked.) 

And things continued to be lonely up until a month before his next birthday, his mother was, once again for the second time that week, hosting an event. 

An event which, he, was forced to socialize. 

It actually wasn't bad at all, almost all of the other Generals and Politicians he spoke with were eager to talk with his mother more, which lead to brief conversations and small talk and he was okay with both (and if he accidentally skimmed some of their thoughts, then that was fine, too.) 

An hour and a half and four glasses of punch (still too young to drink, although his mother let him have a glass of champagne before the guests arrived with a wink) later he was exhausted but the night hadn't even started yet, there was still going to be dancing, and force help him, because he wasn't sure why he hadn't thought about practicality when he chose his outfit (one of his fanciest, and most uncomfortable, tunics he owned with a long coat that belonged to his mother, back when the only title she went by was 'Princess', which was at the moment discarded on the back of the seat he was on, as of now.)  
And when the music had started, Ben thought he had met everyone there was too meet, until a young man (a few years older then himself, around Poe's age maybe? Force, he missed Poe) asked to dance with him, obviously, he froze up but quickly added a 'Sure.' And took the  
offered hand to him.  
When the other hand went around his waist (where there was a cut out in the tunic) he hoped he hadn't noticed the goose flesh on his bare arms.  
Ben kept his gaze either down or around them, at everyone else, and made the mistake of looking up because he didn't exactly get a great look at his dancing partner before but when his eyes landed on him, Ben was reeled in.  
In the place where he expected a steely gaze to be (which is weird, because they never met or even been introduced yet and therefore not have expectations of each other, it was totally weird.)  
a soft look was in his blue eyes and his tone was gentle when he expected otherwise and Ben felt like he should be afraid of him but shouldn't at the same time.

They saw each other again and again and again after that.

 

And exactly four days and eighteen hours until his sixteenth birthday, he already found out that  
1)He was one of the youngest Generals who worked with his mother.

2)His father was an asshat. 

3)His name was Armitage Hux.


End file.
